A New Hope

In the Beginning

I met my husband when I was 16 years old.  I lived in a beautiful small town off of the Chesapeake Bay that had a small beach.  Many people would visit this town during the summertime because there was a nice private beach and a public beach.  Most of us locals hung out at the private beach.  My husbands family owned property in this town they would come down every weekend during the summer.  Summers were awesome because we would spend every weekend on the beach, eating Maryland crabs and fresh corn from the farms and just having a good time.  This particular weekend that I met my husband, he was grounded and forced to come to this town with his father.  He was grounded because he was out drinking with his friends and he rolled his dads truck.  (Sign number one that there may be future issues).  It was the end of summer and this was the first time he had been to this town in years because he didn't enjoy coming to this town in his teenage years.  We had met once before a couple years back and there was an instant attraction.  I remember he wrote his and my name on a log with a heart around it.  I later found it on the beach.

He was too embarrassed to ask me out on a date, so he had one of his friends ask me for him.  We later went out on a date to the movies.  It was fun and I really enjoyed how charming he was.  We spent the next several years dating each other and we were in love.  He would write me the most wonderfully beautiful passionate letters.  He always always told he how much he loved me.  He would outwardly show his affection not caring if people saw him holding my hand or putting his arm around me. 

There were signs early on that he had abusive characteristics.  First, he told me that his dad would always criticize him and that once when he got in trouble, his dad put his head through a wall.  He always told me that he would never (NEVER) be like his dad.  When you learn about how abuse is passed on from generation to generation, you see how these cycles repeat themselves.

Second, prior to dating my husband, I was dating another boy.  After I broke up with him to date my husband, this boy began to stalked me and wouldn't leave me along.  This went on for months.  So my husband beat the crap out of him.  (A third sign)  Then, from that day forward, he would beat him up whenever he had the chance.

My husband and I didn't end up actually marrying each other until I was 23 (almost finished college).  I would say that he always valued me and treated me good up until I had my first son.  After having my first son, I had this overwhelming erg to stay home and raise him.  We were making good money at the time.  I presented him with the notion.  He strongfully and willfully said NO.  I tried to go to work but I was crying every day.  I couldn't take the despair of being away from my 3 month old son.  I just wanted to be with him.  So, I quit my job. 

My husband was so angry with me.  It was like I became his enemy from that day forward.  He refused to pay for anything associated with me.  My truck got repossessed because I no longer made money and he refused to pay for it.  He told me that I must bring in some form of income or I would pay, big time.  I started to sell Longaberger baskets and find ways I could bring in an income to please him and because he would never give me money and I was always broke.  But nothing I did satisfied him.  He would embarrass and ridicule me in front of my friends essentially saying I was worthless because I didn't work.  This went on for years.  And it just spiraled out of control.  I spent years trying to troubleshoot and find ways to make things better until I finally realized (after nearly 11 years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse) that I wasn't the problem, it was him.

What is Emotional Abuse?

I am creating this blog to document my personal journey of healing and hope after a long term relationship (over 20 years) dealing with emotional and sometimes physical abuse.  I want to share with women my personal experiences in hope that this may speak to the hearts of other women who may be experiencing the same types of circumstances that I faced and perhaps they can find a way to get out of their situation sooner than later. 

My abuser always convinced me that I was the problem.  Over time, you almost believe it.  The most difficult concept for me to come to grips with was the fact that I loved this person so much (ever since I was 17 years old) and how could someone I love be treating me so terribily.  Also, I kept trying to troubleshoot the situation and come up with solutions.  However, I finally realized that "it's not up to me, it's up to him". 

I would even convince myself that he appeared to be a good father and that was reason enough to stay in the relationship.  However, looking back on the situation, if I were to continue with this relationship, my two beautiful boys would learn to abuse their wives too.  Thus the cycle of abuse would continue on from generation to generation.  I want to share with you a fantastic article that I discovered recently and I hope it sheds some light on What Exactly is Emotional Abuse?  http://www.safeplaceministries.com

When I read this article, it described my situation perfectly.  A couple years back when I was in personal turmoil, I reached out to a local church who told me that I must remain marriaged to this man because he claimed to have become a Christian.  So, I listened and ended up right back where I started.  It took me a monumental amount of strength and courage to leave this situation.  I live in fear constantly and that's no way to live.  I have strong faith and that is what keeps me going, keeps me moving forward, hoping for a brighter future.  I have two beautiful children and a huge amount of support from my friends.  This first time I attempted to leave, I was too afraid and ashamed to talk to anyone.  If you are in the midst of leaving an abusive relations, please, reach out to your friends.  They will love and support you.